Broken yet brave

The wind tried to tell her where to go but her heart begged to stay

Torn between heaven and earth, forever and right now

Why devote my life to something when I have so many doubts?

Her eyes were trained to see the goodness of man even though they let her down

Because these humans are tangible, more than just a man in the clouds

But we were all born with a need, a hole deep within the catacombs of our heart prepared for the planting of a seed

Our skin and bones crave the world, but the heart wants so much more

To be known, loved, and understood

And to be set free from the hollowness of our souls

I’ve searched the earth for something to fill that hole

Some people search their whole lives

But I found the answer is not here-it’s somewhere far beyond the skies

I believe in something I can not see because He’s never let me down

He’s answered my prayers and reminds me there’s more to life than just right now

Some people hate him, some people just don’t believe

But I’m madly in love with Him because he saved me from me.


The Wedding

Sometimes I like to try to imagine what it would be like if I could just go and spend time with Jesus when I’m having a bad day.

I walked in my room and collapsed to the ground, realizing I’d become lost and was longing to be found. I’d been wandering without hope, praying for a sign, wanting to believe that my life was more than wasted time. Many nights I lay wide awake-even though my spirit was fast asleep. Like a sunken ship my joy had been hidden somewhere dark and deep.

But all the while there was a light flickering in the corner of my eye, it’s what kept me going-what kept me alive. I trusted the light because it made me want to thrive and be more than just a girl struggling to survive.

So I followed the light and let it take me away and slowly but surely the darkness began to fade. So it led me to this garden, a place honest and true. Filled to the brim with glory and at last I saw you.

Sitting below a willow with a smile on your face, reaching out your hand to me. My heart was in my throat beating harder than ever before. I closed the gap between us and rain began to pour. Distracted I began to take my eyes off of you, and you said “My love, don’t look away, I’m still here even in the rain”

So I trusted you and took your hand, you swept me up and began to dance. I’d never felt so loved-never felt so free. And then you began to sing. A voice sweeter than honey and more beautiful than gold. You sang to me every promise while we danced in the rain, reminding me that I’m never alone and you will deliver me from pain. In that moment I fell in love with you, and below the arbor of the trees I said “I do”

“Is this it?”

 My days run together between the hum of the copy machine and the clicking of the keyboard. I think I’m starting to understand why all of a sudden “adult” has started to be used as a verb. Don’t get me wrong, deep down I am so grateful for this job and it took a while to find it after graduation and I prayed for a full time job where I was surrounded by good people, and that prayer was answered. But I’m starting to wonder if that’s really enough-just to have a full time job with nice people who greet me in passing. The days get long when I’m staring at a computer all day entering in numbers, walking to and from the copy machine, and kindly telling the sales person over the phone that “I’m sorry we’re not interested” about ten times a day. Yes I’m thankful, but I keep finding myself wondering “Is this it?” “Is this my life up until we have babies?” Lacking of any chase after my passions because it doesn’t seem like I ever have enough time.
I had the meltdown with Sam this past Monday. I told him how I was beginning to wonder if I had done college all wrong and if instead of choosing Spanish just to get the four year degree if I should’ve really dug deep and chosen a degree that I knew would lead to a career I loved. But I’ve never had a dream job other than being a mom so is my life just going to be a monotonous day after day office job up until then? I’ve wanted to pull one of my coworkers aside and ask if they feel the same way I do every morning wondering if this is it. Do they fall asleep after a day of work and start dreaming about the things they could do with their life if they fully gave in to the things that make their eyes light up with passion, and then wake up and wish that dream came true? Or am I the only one? I can’t be the only one in this huge office.

Within my morning routine at work my favorite thing to do is open the blinds. It’s one of the peaceful moments of my day where I can let the sun in through each big window and just have some time by myself. Yesterday when I was lifting the blinds I was thinking in my head again “Is this it?” When the light came through the window the thought came in my head that “no this is not it.” I knew God was trying to get my attention and I had to stop and breathe deep because all this time I had forgotten that as a Christian on this earth we are constantly being prepared for a greater glory (Romans 8:18). I’m sure many Christians have asked their self the question, “is this it?” and thinking “There has to be more than this.” God planted that feeling in our hearts, the desire for things outside of this world.

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

                                                                                    -C.S. Lewis

God is preparing us for that future glory right now. He is using me, and you, in the most ordinary and sometimes extraordinary ways. So how do I bring that silent peacefulness and reassurance with me into my normal work day knowing that I am so much more than the secretary? I am a child of God. I will pray over the mail I send out and ask that every pair of hands that touches the envelope would feel Jesus and find joy in the little things. I will make sure to tell every sales rep that calls to “have a nice day”, I will send up prayers for my coworkers, and every day I walk into the office I will thank Jesus for providing this job for Sam and I.

God answered my question of “Is this it?” by reminding me that because He has chosen me and designed my heart to desire Him-there is no such thing as a life of monotony because since the moment I was created I have been being prepared for a future glory. I am being prepared for the kingdom. So even though my day job may feel lifeless at times and the sound of the copy machine has made me want to cringe-my life does not revolve around this office. My life revolves around the God of the universe- and that is what makes my life extraordinary and thriving with passion, because I am passionate about my God. For all of my friends about to graduate High School or College-I hope that resonates in your mind that you are not defined by your grades, what club you’re in, or even what job you have. We are not defined by earthly things- we are defined by our Creator. We were fearfully and wonderfully made by Him and nothing we do could make Him love us any less. So when “adulting” gets the best of you-remind yourself that God has chosen you for the kingdom and you are being prepared for it every day. Foreshadows of heaven are everywhere.